Those Wonderful Years

It’s funny how life reminds you how beautiful it can be, it has been, or it will be; and doing it effortlessly. How beautiful it would be to be 5 again, to have been 5 back in ’92, when nobody had to leave, and the 5 would’ve stayed together until today. What would’ve happened then? Where would’ve I ended up at? I don’t know, but in times like this, you always return to memories to comfort a hurt soul, and being 5 sure would be the best comfort I could ask for. To come back to those days where home was home, where mom and dad were home, where they should be, and I would learn everyday with them. I don’t know what would’ve happened, but I know our lives might’ve been a little closer now. I don’t regret anything that has happened, in the other hand, I welcome and feel blessed for everything that has transpired in my short life, but what if???? The only thing I have left is to remember those times, and feel the warmth of that house where I started to learn to be what I am today. That place will always have a place in my heart, a corner of it where memories will always last until the end of my time, knowing and hoping that when I have a family, I don’t have to go through the same, not because it’s bad, but it’s not good either. Families are meant to be and stay together… What if?...

Ain’t That Enough?

More doubts, more confusion, more unclear sights of what’s next and what to do. I’m lost, like I have never been before, like I have never experienced before. I don’t see things like they should be, or I think they should be, and for the first time ever in my life, I feel like I’m going nowhere, nowhere really fast. I don’t know what I need, if I need You, or basketball, or her, or my family, or my friends, it is unclear to me now. In the meantime, seconds tick away closer and closer to something that I can’t see clearly at all, something that I can’t picture yet, but that I may be afraid to see, and above all, to feel. Should I follow my heart? Should I follow my mind? Should I chase my dream, the dream that so many times shows up while I sleep? I don’t know, I don’t know what it is out there that waits for me, in the horizon, where the lion wants to go, where everything may be easier to live through or harder to stand. I don’t know, but like the lion want to get there and see it with my own eyes, following the warmth of the sunlight and the comforting feel of its touch…

Opportunity + Decision + Faith = ¿¿¿¿????

What’s the formula? What’s the mathematical rule that can give me an answer, a solution for me? Now that I know what’s coming in, who most likely will be in charge, doubt assaults me. My heart has never been filled with so many questions, so many question marks. Some moments I know I want it, some I know I don’t want it. I look back and think for a second that I have been here before, but before she wasn’t in the balance, love wasn’t part of the deal as heavy as it is now. Here I am, with a basketball dream ready to start becoming a reality (more than it has been) in one hand; and a college degree, with a life with my baby, starting our life together in the other. In the middle, there’s me, a confused man, in whose inside lays a little boy, growing up, making decisions with the most care and the greatest misunderstanding at times, learning from mistakes from the past, now and the future. These past couple of days have give me so much time to think, to process things, that I could be typing here for never ending lines, trying to put my thoughts together. The “what if’s” keep bombarding my head, constantly, every second, and it hasn’t even happened yet, I haven’t even left yet… What Samir? What? What? What? ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿??????

Adversity

I face it now, thinking I’ve known how to deal with it, how to prepare myself to fight with it… But I don’t, for some reason I cannot. Is it my lack of focus? Could be. Is it my lack of understanding? Most likely. Or is it my lack of faith and perspective? I don’t know… I just don’t know… I’m in a stage of my life where I don’t know how, who, when, where, what, which… It’s sad, it is really sad that I’ve gotten to this point by just letting myself drift, living day by day without even thinking realistically about my future. What to do know? How to approach the next stage? The Lord is there, I know He’s always there, but I’ve lost the approach, and I don’t know how to get back to Him. My family is there, they’re always there, but distance keeps the warmth cold, the understanding confused, and the love faded. My girl is there, but once again distance keeps the warmth of her touch, cold. My friends are there, they’re always there, and I know I can count on them 24/7, but I never wanted to be a load on them, or anybody else but myself. All I got left is me, my therapist in the form of a ball, a run, a weight room, in which I’ll be able to figure out ways to think how to leave, how to get out… Immersed in the depth of my thoughts, soundtracked by my music, I will have to learn, think, plan, create, follow thru, and believe. So much to think, so much to see about… are you ready kid? I don’t know, I just don’t know… it’s time to know, time to see, because if I don’t skating by without making any attempt to change is what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life. Do you want that?